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Writings

Blog | Table of Contents

My blog expresses my current journey as a therapist and mental health provider from a more personal perspective.

Mental Health Information | Table of Contents

This is a space where I will share my acquired knowledge with a more objective voice. Please note that these thoughts and writings are not meant to be comprehensive so I always recommend reviewing multiple mental health sources. Mental health is highly complex, multilayered, and multidimensional with a person's biology, psychology, relationships (biopsychosocial) intertwined. None of this information is meant to diagnose as diagnosing can only occur with meeting with a licensed mental health provider. 

Blog

AI Considerations

Thoughts on Using AI "for Therapy" Written: November 30, 2024 Since the summer of 2024, I have been using the paid version of ChatGPT (the most popular and arguably leading AI for the general public via phone app or internet browser) not as a tool for increased efficiency and productivity and not even as an enhanced search engine, but as a partner in learning more about myself and processing information I recently learned from the mundane to the significantly meaningful. I have found it has real therapeutic value speaking as a therapist, and I have referred current clients to try it out for themselves between our sessions. There is a free version available although I cannot speak to the current differences from the paid version I use. Privacy is always a concern using any platform although I have found between random data leaks from major corporations even the ones who are supposed to be "HIPAA compliant" or for medical use, and the cultural shift for younger generations towards more transparency and acceptance of complex human nature, the need for privacy has been decreasing for even the most intimate details of life. There is also a sense of safety in numbers. This said, as a licensed therapist committed to my clients' confidentiality, I have recommendations to reduce prviacy concerns informed by my experience consulting with other licensed medical providers to protect client or patient confidentiality. When sharing information with ChatGPT, you may omit or change any identifying information to increase your privacy. This is information that can be traced back to any person or any context. It can include name, location, date, and really any specific or unique factual information. For example: "Today before Thanksgiving while I was out to lunch at Kerbey Lane, problems with my spouse, Jane Xyz Doe reminded me of my PTSD with my mom. Growing up my mom would..." can be turned into "Recently problems within an important relationship reminded me of trauma with a caregiver growing up. This caregiver would..." Why would one share such details or anything one would process with a therapist with an AI or ChatGPT? I have found this is due to ChatGPT's accessibility and convenience at any hour of the day when my or your therapist is not available or chooses not to be available. ChatGPT also has been trained and exposed to collective human experiences and works to provide a fairly balanced perspective on what you are sharing with the right "prompting" (more on this later). This perspective may be helpful in learning more about yourself and the situation. In learning more, you may be able to find out what you are wanting or how you would like to navigate moving forward to support your mental wellbeing and quality of life. ChatGPT definitely does not replace a skilled and perceptive human therapist that you have formed a longer term therapeutic relaitonship with and this is speaking not only as a therapist myself but also as a client. ChatGPT can still make mistakes or provide misguided feedback that can affect your decisions and therefore real world circumstances especially if you are not familiar with using AI. It can also lose important nuances specific to any person and context that a human being is more capable of holding through the nature of living in the physical and social world. So my opinion on using AI "for therapy" is simply: Try it out for its therapeutic value if you have an active therapist (one that you see at least every two weeks) or are not currently struggling with mental health symptoms that risks safety and health decompensation. When in doubt, establish consistent therapy with a licensed therapist first, and talk to ChatGPT as a well meaning acquaintance. Any feedback or advice you receive from it should be taken with a large grain of salt.

Decolonizing and Indigenizing

Celso San Juan

A photo of my late father, Celso San Juan

The Illusion of Ownership Written: November 25, 2024 Since starting private practice, I have missed the feeling of working through challenges as part of a team. From 2016 to 2020, I worked in psychiatric hospitals, and before that, I interned at a recovery center. These experiences led to periodic joy and fulfillment specific to team collaboration which led me to seek out communities outside of a workplace after I began working independently. In 2021, I found the NARM (NeuroAffective Relational Model) community. In 2023, Kasamahan. And in 2024, the Center for Babaylan Studies. Each time, I found myself drawn to communities that I felt could walk with me or provide guidance with present discoveries, and once I felt that connection, I acted decisively, often going above and beyond what others might expect. I realize now that this has been my way of trying to secure a place for myself, as though planting a flag in borrowed soil. Yet, despite my best efforts, the truth remains: that soil never becomes mine. When my contributions or "claims" in a community are overlooked such as when my perspectives aren’t sought, or when others act without consulting me, it can feel as though something is being taken from me. But this reaction itself carries a contradiction. By feeling something is "mine to share" or "mine to lose," I perpetuate a colonial mindset, the very thing I wish to undo and grow from. To decolonize and indigenize means to let go of the illusion of ownership. It means recognizing that nothing… not a community, a relationship, or even our own work, can truly belong to us. This realization brings grief, a loss of the false belief that something could ever be "mine." It also brings freedom in letting go of what we’ve carried so tightly. To allow work, relationships, communities to evolve naturally based on natural shifts in wants and needs, even if they grow into something unrecognizable or are forgotten entirely. All we ever truly have is the ability to borrow or hold onto something for a time, and recognizing this can free us from the burdens of having such as tending, maintaining, carrying, and defending. In letting go, we might discover we can travel lighter than we ever believed. I find myself considering the people I have been in community with all along individually and in small groups, even before I made my way to these larger communities and how light they felt as to often forget they are there. Perhaps there is wisdom in knowing that we can be at home wherever we go, for the closest thing we have to ownership is ourselves and the ability to act in the present moment. Even that is borrowed, but for what feels like a long time, as it encompasses the entirety of our consciousness. On a lighter note, this realization offers clarity. It allows us to wander freely, knowing we can return or not return to what we once claimed with less concern of the ways it changes. Knowing everything can only be borrowed or held for a time may also let us simply be present and appreciate what is sacred and free in front of us, knowing it will never truly belong to us or to anyone else.

Mental Health Information

Diagnosing

Mental health diagnosing versus no diagnosis
Reviewed: 12/2024

You may need mental health care with a mental health diagnosis through meeting with a licensed mental health provider for an appointment if your symptoms affect daily functioning for a period of time where it significantly affects your health and quality of life.


Daily Functioning includes:
Sleep

Appetite

Hygiene

Ability to maintain chosen responsibilities or work

You and your provider may refer to the latest DSM (Diagnostic Statistical Manual) or ICD (International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems) for more detailed information.

Since mental health diagnosing largely relies on self-report and perception can change through time, it is important to have a longer term licensed mental health provider that sees you through life transitions, and to also seek a second or third opinion from another licensed mental health provider.

A diagnosis may be discontinued, updated, or changed by a licensed mental health provider at any time with evidence that you meet criteria for discontinuation or change in diagnosis. Consensus between licensed active providers (met with within 6 months) can better support a diagnosis.

Neurodiversity

ADHD involves dopamine and norepinephrine pathing and this being a primary factor with challenges involving motivation and productivity that cause significant issues in daily functioning. Due to the biological makeup of ADHD, symptoms must be present in childhood. There are many cases when symptoms are present but were not recognized potentially due to lack of ADHD symptom awareness from caregivers and educators or due to other co-occurring issues that may obscure these symptoms ranging from anxiety, depression, aggressive behavior, or challenging environmental issues with family and peers taking the focus away or even Giftedness or exceptional abilities compensating for struggles with ADHD. In these cases, clients or patients may not receive a diagnosis until these are resolved or differentiated which may not occur until adulthood. Through therapy, adults may reprocess experiences in childhood with consideration of their ADHD symptoms. You may notice someone with ADHD having extended or unpredictable periods of time with decreased or increased motivation and productivity that is in consistent conflict of what is required of them in their work and responsibilities leading to common labels of "lazy", "unambitious", "self-centered", and "undisciplined". Adding to this misunderstanding, they may have uncommon motivation and productivity or the ability to "hyperfocus" on activities or projects they personally enjoy due to their differences in dopamine and norepinephrine pathing. To support them in these extended or unpredictable states involving motivation and productivity that lead to difficulty completing projects and time management, people with ADHD may require medication to regulate, extra assistance or understanding from professors, bosses, family members, friends with deadlines and time management, and/or acceptance of significant changes in lifestyle that allow for their natural shifts and states. A person considered predominantly hyperactive type may be more sensitive to external, tactile information while those with predominantly inattentive type may be more focused inward with their internal experiences. I sometimes consider inattentive type, internal hyperactivity. Inattentive types may be those who may overdo activities that require less physical exertion that allow them to channel their internal hyperactivity rather than push past it. This may involve many hours playing video games, scrolling online, or deep in personal reflections or daydreams. Those with hyperactive type may have difficulty sitting for extended periods of time, need a certain amount of physical activity daily to "expel excess energy" or have careers that implement the physical which allows them to go with their hyperactive state. All these activities must be considered detrimental to basic daily functioning and following through such as difficulties with maintaining their homes, jobs, and relationships to where it harms their health and wellbeing to be considered a disorder.

Giftedness is a neurological difference usually recognized through psychological testing from licensed psychologists or through consistent reports of advanced cognitive ability from multiple sources starting at a young age from peers, caretakers, teachers, and mentors. Giftedness is a difference in the way one perceives and experiences facets of life that may or may not be expressed through external accomplishments. A gifted person is highly perceptive and insightful across multiple domains, but may only be readily visible to others or expressed in a specific area of work or study. Qualities that may indicate giftedness: rapid learning and processing of information, complex and abstract thinking and therefore an ability to see or experience what others may not, an inherent intensity, excitement or high energy, and pleasure in learning, less concerned by performance, usually learns for the sake of learning, persistent curiosity that challenges the norm that calls them to learn beyond what is taught, may be innovative and entrepreneurial, usually has a wide range of interests and expertise beyond what is required, divergent thinking and “skip thinking” or arriving to conclusions that are correct or valuable without needing a concrete or linear process, creative thinking and strong intuition, high observation skills and excellent memory in general and in particular with what interests them to learn, depth of feeling and understanding and therefore may be more sensitive to information. Those who are gifted and do not recognize it may struggle with self-criticism for their intensity and drive to learn and may be considered “too intense” when their insights and depth of experiencing are not shared by others. Autism differs in that those who are solely gifted do not struggle with social cues or understanding the experience of others. A gifted person usually has a keen understanding of multiple, co-occurring experiences and as a result are highly empathetic if they do not have other co-occurring neurological or mental health struggles, and have a strong sense of justice, but may struggle socially due to their needs for depth not being met or held by those around them. The gifted person may then be prone to isolating themselves or only having a select few they can authentically connect with since giftedness is neurologically divergent and uncommon. They may struggle with mundane and tedious work that looks similar to someone with ADHD and may be differentiated by their ability to excel when provided more complex and creative work. They may also struggle with prolonged office politics or compartmentalizing and simplifying experiences with others for the sake of external function. These may limit the gifted person in a work place from reaching roles that are better suited for their internal landscape. If the gifted person is not accepting of their inherent qualities, they may also be critical of others in mistaking limited capacity for disregard or even negative intent. In these ways, it may be important for the gifted person to recognize and accept their giftedness to support their sense of self, relationships, and quality of life. Giftedness may also be masked by other disadvantages or conditions that are internal such as co-occurring ADHD, autism, learning disorders, depression, anxiety, substance abuse and also those that are external through a limited access to resources, gifted peers and adults who can recognize their giftedness, normalize their experience, and also support their potential and growth.

Depression and Mood Disorders

Major Depressive Disorder is when depression or an episode of depression meets criteria as a mental health disorder or causes significant disruption in daily functioning. Depression that meets criteria for a mental health disorder is usually ego dystonic meaning people usually notice as it occurs since the symptoms of it is easily separated from their perceptions of themselves. Many people often seek therapy and mental health care starting with an episode of depression and/or anxiety as a result, but often continue with therapy to address and work through underlying or co-occurring issues that were ego syntonic prior to therapy or was seen as inseparable to self that may have contributed to the occurrence of a depressive episode or fuels persistent anxiety. Not all depression is the same underneath the surface. You may have heard the term "situational" depression and this is when the experience of depression is considered an ongoing reaction from an external loss or challenging situation, and the person is able to not personalize this loss or challenge. Diagnosing MDD is more common when a person is stuck in a cycle of blaming themselves for an external situation and then their depression persists and contributes, maintains, and worsens their external circumstance. Usually those with underlying Complex PTSD or complex trauma are more susceptible to going into this cycle. The persistent self-criticism or self-attack can then lead to experiencing hopelessness, feeling like a failure to themselves and others, even more decreased energy due to preoccupation with this, and eventual desire to escape this experience within oneself which can then develop into suicial ideation and planned action. Therapists and mental health crisis workers are trained in suicide risk prevention or assessing if a person's suicidal thoughts have progressed to where they can be an imminent danger to themselves, and may require them to admit to a hospital for mental health stabilization sometimes with the support of family and/or law enforcement if the person has progressed to be unable to make life-supporting decisions for themselves. Depression even when not involving suicidal thoughts with a high risk of suicide can be compounding and multifaceted and may still need the support of a skilled therapist providing consistent sessions and potentially a psychiatric medicine provider to undo the negative, life draining cycle of depression and reconnect with a will to live in order to heal, maintain their health, and grow.

Bipolar and Mood Disorders with Mania
Reviewed: 12/2024
Bipolar Type I vs II pdf information

Mood Disorder Questionnaire (MDQ)

Bipolar disorders and mood disorders with mania are diagnosed when episodes of elevated mood significantly affect someone's daily functioning. Out of different variations of mood disorders, bipolar disorder with its two distinct types: I and II are more commonly and easily recognized, diagnosed, and treated. Type I is typically considered more severe due to one or more manic episodes being present for this diagnosis versus hypomania for Type II even if there are more occurrences of hypomania than mania in someone's lifetime. Hypo - means less, hyper - means more. Hypomania may both be more manageable or less impactful than mania allowing someone with Bipolar II to sometimes go undiagnosed or tolerate the symptoms as to not require medical treatment, and focus on reducing the impact of symptoms through holistic coping mechanisms and lifestyle changes. Someone may be having a full manic episode which is the severe version of a hypomanic episode when they are not sleeping or sleeping for a few hours at night for days at a time while having unusually high levels of energy, significantly elevated mood, increased activity with little or no experience of fatigue. This lack of sleep can factor into another symptom of mania which is delusional thinking or thoughts that they are not aware of as not being grounded in reality. In believing their delusional thinking is real they may act according to their delusion. For example, someone who is experiencing grandiosity may spend more money than they typically spend and in a way that has a significant impact on their finances out of their thoughts of the amount as not as significant or in the false belief that they can recover this amount of money quickly. Other examples are starting large projects than what the person may have realistic resources for, taking big risks with their work and profession which may involve suddenly quitting, switching, or adding onto their work, suddenly changing their living situation such as moving without adequate planning, and sudden changes in their stable and longterm relationships such as seeking divorce or engaging in affairs without concern for the consequences or changes that follow. This risk taking when during a manic episode is fueled by manic delusional thinking or an internal orientation of themselves and their lives affected by elevated mood and grandiosity rather than compulsion or through calculated risk. The manic episode may progress to have more severe psychotic symptoms such as more severe delusional thinking including belief they have god like powers, being invincible, or being actively targetted by entities. The severe delusional thoughts can progress to hallucinations or seeing, hearing, experiencing something that is not objectively there. The more severe the symptoms, the more the person can be at risk of acting in a way that puts themselves or others in danger or lead to severe decompensation where they cannot care for their daily needs where they may be involuntarily admitted for hospitalization. Therapy for bipolar I is typically about prevention and maintenance to prevent the reoccurrence of a manic episode such as through supporting a person to take medication that is perscribed by a medication perscriber for mood stability through processing effects and side effects, supporting a medication change when needed, and supporting them to lead a more balanaced lifestyle that promotes sleep hygiene and mood regulation. If symptoms start to reoccur, the therapist may act as the first responder for the client in obtaining a higher level of care as needed for stabilization or reduction of hypomanic and manic symptoms. Therapy can also support someone with either bipolar I or bipolar II to have a healthy separation or distance from their episodes and these states of elevated mood to further understand themselves and bring awareness of when symptoms reoccur. Without a mood stabilizer, someone with a diagnosis of bipolar I can experience a manic episode without a trigger, and it is possible for bipolar II or hypomania to progress into bipolar I mania without having a known cause. The first episode of mania may be more related or affected by severe stress and typically occurs during one's formative years which can be through someone's middle 20s which activates someone's genetic predisposition for the disorder. There are some cases where there is a late onset. It is possible for someone to have a single episode of mania, but often the risks with safety with reoccurrence is too significant that someone is typically advised to start taking medication even after one episode. It is common for someone with Bipolar I to not accept or treat their disorder to prevent episodes until after the second episode or a rehospitalization. Often people who have experienced a drastic change in themselves that cause a severe negative effect for themselves and others may experience reoccurring shame and complex trauma. The therapist can then provide trauma-informed therapy to support the person recovering from an episode of mania to regain a healthy and realistic sense of self, repair and improve their relationships, and regain stability in their finances and work. Often hypomania is not seen as the primary problem by a person with bipolar II but rather the drop in mood that can meet criteria for depression that typically follows a hypomanic episode. The more drastic swings in mood that is not shared by those without bipolar can also affect the person with bipolar II's mental health through difficulties with perception of themselves and in trusting themselves in maintaining mood and energy that is required to maintain their quality of life.

Anxiety

I have found generalized anxiety disorder (gad) tends to be a catchall for those who experience persistent anxiety with anxious thoughts and nervous system dysregulation most days of the week for at least a six month period as an adult, and the risk for reoccurrence of this is high. The nature of this anxiety is not or cannot be specificified and is general to different life areas or "about a number of events or activities" such as within personal relationships and experiences related to school and work. This diagnosis focuses more on sympotomology than the root cause of the anxiety, but can still be a useful tool for tracking worsening or improvement of underlying cause of the general anxiety. I tend to diagnose Other anxiety disorder when a client or patient does not experience general anxiety more than half the days and is closer to 50/50 or less than half the days and specify this. I have found it is uncommon for someone to only be anxious about a specific area in their life, and when this is the case, I diagnose accordingly and consider the presence of OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). For everyone who reports persistent and life restricting anxiety to where it affects their daily functioning, I also consider the co-occurrence or perhaps underlying complex trauma and Complex PTSD. At times it may be more important to focus and treat more severe symptoms of a person's anxiety to where they receive a different diagnosis during treatment or an additional diagnosis including PTSD, an eating disorder diagnosis, and/or a substance abuse diagnosis as the symptoms of these are more severe in how it affects someone's health, daily functioning, and quality of life,

Trauma

Complex PTSD or Other Reactions to Severe Stress
Reviewed: 12/2024

ICD-11 Complex PTSD Article

CDC ACEs Information

Complex PTSD is complex trauma with PTSD. Complex trauma develops when there is prolonged exposure to traumatic events or events that lead to prolonged nervous system activation to where they start to develop largely subconscious automatic responses when reminded of these events to help manage their nervous system. Someone is more at risk for trauma when they are not able to process psychologically and biologically what has occurred to them. The trauma responses that occur may be visible through the ways the person with complex trauma displays persistent dysregulated emotions, difficulties in their relationships, and daily functioning due to their internal experiences of themselves, others, and the world around them which lead to reduced functioning and quality of life. PTSD (more below) is when someone experiences life threatening or violent traumatic events directly upon their person or indirectly through their environment or through a relationship that is commonly significant. Beyond the more extreme cases of violence, abuse, or neglect, it may be difficult to distinguish when complex trauma crosses over to Complex PTSD and may even be used interchangeably. Whether the traumatic event was experienced as life threatening is similar to reporting pain. It is largely subjective. Someone is more prone to developing complex trauma and/or Complex PTSD from traumatic events during their formative years or during childhood through adolescence when people are more vulnerable and when trauma events are not as easily recognizable and processed. An inventory of ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) may be a good starting point to help someone recognize that "normal" events in their childhood may have been adverse and traumatic. Due to the comorbidity of personality disorders and Complex PTSD, disordered personality traits may be another way to recognize and work through trauma that has occurred in one's formative years. Currently, the DSM does not recognize Complex PTSD as a formal diagnosis. I may use "Other Reactions to Severe Stress" or even "Generalized Anxiety Disorder" to indicate the presence of symptoms that may stem from complex trauma or PTSD if it is a more severe case of Complex PTSD.

Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
DSM-5 Criteria for PTSD

In progress

Personality Disorders

Borderline Personality Disorder

In progress

Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Reviewed: 12/2024
Article with DSM 5 criteria

Narcissistic moments or even traits are common. Rarely does someone meet the criteria to be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (npd) and diagnosed due to the stigma, but it's important to recognize the possibility of traits especially since self-awareness is important in treating personality disorders. It may be also easier to accept the presence of npd when it is considered treatable which I promote through my work. When working with npd or narcissistic traits directly with a client or indirectly with someone in their life, I consider the presence of unaddressed Complex PTSD specifically developmental trauma. For someone to have a potential diagnosis of npd they must be an adult developmentally, and they may be an adult that experienced trauma with their primary caregivers and support system growing up. Due to this trauma, they may have formed disordered personality traits as a way to survive their upbringing. Although harmful in adulthood, these traits and survival strategies may have been necessary to have their basic needs met, and not suffer from neglect and abuse within their family of origin. In the adult with npd, I look out for consistent lack of self-awareness or accuracy in self-perception when engaging in narcissistic behaviors and therefore inability to self correct or adjust which leads to those around them needing to correct or adjust for them to reduce harm. This may turn into persistent disagreements when with others and further manifest into difficulty in improving and maintaining relationships throughout life. There is also a lack of empathy or ability to hold both theirs and others' experiences at the same time which may lead to all or nothing thinking, ie. "I'm good, you're bad" / "you're all to blame" or "I'm bad, you're good" / "I'm all to blame" which does not allow for satisfying resolutions with win-win situations or bonding over a shared loss. Regarding the characterstics of overt and covert narcisissm, both consistently overestimate their importance in others' lives and experiences which fuels their preoccupation with their appearance and effect over others. Covert does not mean the person is intentionally keeping their narcissistic traits hidden because to meet criteria for npd this often requires lack of awareness of having these traits. The label of covert more has to do with the perception of the person with npd of themselves as being special but in a negative way which inadvertently keeps this feeling of special hidden. For overt, the person with npd also believes they are special but in a positive way. Someone with covert may consume a lot of a group's time and energy in tending to the covert narcissist's perceived flaws and failures. They may need so much reassurance that it creates a significant amount of stress for the group and this occurs repeatedly until it affects the health of the people in the relationships. The overt narcissism may consume just as much time and resources but perhaps spread across more people with the belief that their positive qualities are deserving of being the center of attention; expanding over others' experiences rather than collapsing the experiences of others into them. They may be quick to point out their "good" deeds and how they deserve credit, putting pressure on others to recognize them. This is the typical way someone appears narcissistic or with overinflated personal importance to others.  Fortunately since lack of self-awareness is a key part of the disorder, when someone develops self-awareness including awareness of their npd traits and therefore able to self-regulate, the diagnosis may be discontinued with the traits no longer severely impacting their functioning and those of others. This self-awareness can be developed through longer term therapy treating underlying Complex PTSD. Self-awareness may look like noticing the trauma response of dominating a situation and choosing to refocus some of the energy on the overall experience of the group or others with them. This may look like noticing when they are feeling rage and anxiety in "everyone dismissing them" (more overt) or depressed and anxious in "everyone criticizing them" (more covert). Self-regulation may be to practice being present with other information that adds complexity to their default experiences and that supports a sense of security even when in fact dismissed or judged.

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